JERRY SEINFELD INSULTS THE ROYALS
Jerry Seinfeld has endeared himself to Brits by insulting the upcoming royal wedding. While promoting a concert in
England, Seinfeld appeared on the morning show "Daybreak". Asked about the wedding, he said, "Well it's a circus
act, it's an absurd act. You know, it's a dress-up. It's a classic English thing of let's play dress-up. Let's pretend that
these are special people. OK, we'll all pretend that - that's what theater is. And that's what the royal family is - it's
a huge game of pretend. These aren't special people - its fake outfits, fake phony hats and gowns.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Was this Jerry Seinfeld or Jerry Springer?
I guess with George Carlin dead, somebody's got to start being the Grumpy Complainer.
* Did the host of "Daybreak"
at least fire back by talking about how horrible "Marriage Ref" is?
* Boy, you don't get invited to one little
wedding and suddenly it's an international incident.
* I hate to disagree with Jerry, but classic English doesn't involve
dress-up, it involves cross-dressing.
* Of course, to be fair, we don't know which one will be wearing the bridal gown.
* There's your Royal Wedding in 2011: Count Kate and Princess William.
STUPID WARNING LABELS BEARDED LADY ROBS GAS STATION
Police in Modesto, California are looking for a woman who dressed as
a man and drew a beard on her face with black marker to rob a gas station Wednesday night. The woman left the store with an
undisclosed amount of cash and was last seen riding a bicycle south through an alley behind the gas station.
lady? Have they tried the circus?
* She was riding the bike AND juggling, so I would definitely try the circus.
Marker, or is she just really bad at applying mascara?
MAN FINDS MISSILE IN BATHROOM WALL
Frances, Wisconsin, William Wittman, 70, was doing some remodeling on a portion of a bathroom wall on last week. He was pulling
out old insulation when he felt something in the wall. Pulling it out, he was shocked to discover that it was a 20-inch-long
missile with tail fins and a 5-inch explosive head. What did he do? He handed it to his wife, Sally Ann, who walked outside
and placed it on the grass before calling police. It took a bomb squad from the Milwaukee County Sheriff’s Department
two hours to arrive. The bomb was taken away and safely detonated. The blast was heard all over town. A neighbor told the
Wittmans that the previous owner of the house was a World War II veteran, and that his sons also served in the Korean War,
and they used to bring souvenirs home from the war.
* Handed it to his wife? Nice! "Oh honey, come here a minute,
please. Here - take this and get far away from me, right away, real fast. Thanks, hon. You're a sweetie!"
Ann, come here! I have a 20-inch missile for you." "20 inches? You WISH!"
* Upon further inspection, the
Wittmans found several Nazis living in the basement.
* Almost 70 years ago, and World War II STILL delivers the laughs!
Love the smell of bacon, and think your co-workers would love it, too? There's a new, real, novelty
cologne: bac_n (pronounced "bay-cone") by fargginay - the world's first bacon fragrance. The scent comes in both
bac_n Classic and bac_n Gold, each $36. (website at baconcologne.com)
(amusing video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zKOqMHiAnlc&feature=player_embedded)
* You show up to the office and suddenly everyone wants to go out for breakfast.
* $36? Please! I'll just wipe
myself with the wrapper from my Egg McMuffin.
* Give it to the pit bull owner of your choosing today.
* Big deal.
Some of us smell like bacon just from our diets.
* This is great. Now I can stop grinding bacon bits under my arms.
* Can you sprinkle it on a salad?
* It's the perfect way to score with Kirstie Alley.
* Bacon cologne is fine,
but I think I'll wait for the sausage.
On Tuesday, Montreal truck driver Marc Sabourin
was carjacked. The truck Marc drives is a diaper delivery truck. The man, wielding a gun, got into the white van and drove
off. In the back of the truck was 500 pounds of dirty diapers.
* By all accounts, it was not a clean getaway.
And yes, he pulled out so fast he left skid marks.
* A gun? Like the driver would put up a fight to save 500 pounds of
* Don't tell me police have nothing to go on.
* Uh oh, the tracking dogs refuse to work the case.
* They should find him slumped over the steering wheel a few miles down the road.
* Sometimes an armed guard isn't
* I can't wait 'til he gets back to the criminal gang's house and they start dividing up the loot.
A current roundup of Stupid Warning Labels:
- Product: Jabra Drive 'N' Talk: Warning - Never operate your speakerphone
- On a chainsaw: Warning - Do not hold the wrong end of a chainsaw.
- On a hairdryer: Warning - Do
not use while sleeping.
- On a blow torch gas bottle: Warning - Contents may catch fire.
- On a dashboard sun shield:
Warning - Do not drive with sun shield in place.
- On a carton of eggs: Warning - This product may contain eggs.
On a Staples letter opener: Warning - Safety goggles recommended.
- On the W.H. Collins Vanishing Fabric Marker: Warning
- The Vanishing Fabric Marker should not be used as a writing instrument for signing checks or any legal documents.
On the Huebsch Washing Machine: Warning - Do not put any person in this washing machine.
- On Hilton Head cocktail napkins,
with an ocean chart design: Warning - Not to be used for navigation.
- On MDW Outdoor Group's fox/bobcat urine powder:
Warning - Not for human consumption.
- On a Dremel rotary drill: Warning - Not to be used as a dental drill.
a Kellogg's Froot Loops promotional cereal bowl: Warning - Always use this product with adult supervision.
Casa Italiana's nonstick pans: Warning - Keep pet birds out of the kitchen when using this product.
- On Rowenta's irons:
Warning - Do not iron clothes on body.
- On Scrubbing Bubbles Fresh Brush: Warning - Do not use for personal hygiene.
- On a Razor scooter: Warning - This product moves when used.
- On Apple's iPod shuffle: Warning - Do not eat.
Sadly, people actually ARE this stupid.
* The scary part: Thinking of the actual incidents and lawsuits that led to these
* I refer to the one about ironing clothes on the body.
* Darn, do you realize how much time that would
save in the morning?
Pork Board on Friday officially dumped their 25-year-old slogan: "Pork: The Other White Meat" and replaced it with:
"Pork: Be Inspired." Pork consumption averages about 50 pounds per person per year, according to data from the U.S.
Department of Agriculture.
The slogans they rejected:
- Snap, crackle, pork.
- I love New Pork.
out and pork someone.
- Just pork it.
- Pork. Buy some. Please? Pretty please?
PEOPLE WHO EAT CANDY ARE HEALTHIER
Finally, research to benefit all of mankind. A new study claims that
people who eat candy and chocolate tend to have smaller waists, weigh less and have a lower body mass index than those who
don't indulge in these treats. In addition, candy and chocolate consumers had a 14 percent lower risk of elevated blood pressure
and a 15 percent decreased risk of having metabolic syndrome. However, the results do not suggest that eating candy helps
you lose pounds, the researchers say. Rather, it may be that candy consumers exercise more to make up for the additional calories
they're taking in. Oh, by the way, the study was funded in part by the National Confectioners Association.
* What was
that last part again?
* What time of year is it again?
* What seasonal product has its own aisle at the grocery
store this time of year?
* The candy aisle doesn't tempt me. I can't fit down it.
* I don't know about healthier
but candy eaters are happier.
* Oh, and M and M's? They make you smarter, too.
* I don't want to eat candy but after
reading this, I suppose I don't have much choice.
GOVERNATOR" TO BE SUPERHERO
Arnold Schwarzenegger is now going be a cartoon superhero, known as The
Governator. "When I ran for governor back in 2003 and I started hearing people talking about 'the Governator,' I thought
the word was so cool," Schwarzenegger, 63, says. "The word Governator combined two worlds: the world of politics
and the movie world. And [this cartoon] brings everything together. It combines the governor, the Terminator, the bodybuilding
world, the True Lies." The Governator will be an animated TV show and comic book, being co-developed by - yes, you guessed
it - Stan Lee (* who, frankly, has been coasting quite a while on this "creator of Spider-Man" thing).
be honest--Arnold never STOPPED being a cartoon superhero.
has his kyptonite; The Governator's weakness is a Democratic state legislature.
* His special powers? His accent.
* It's weird. Arnold's accent is so strong it even comes through in print.
* Remember when he used to talk about a
Constitutional amendment and becoming president? Sounds like that's over.
WILLIAM'S BACHELOR PARTY
Prince William had a secret bachelor party over the weekend. Palace officials would confirm only that the stag party,
reportedly thrown by his brother Prince Harry, had taken place. The prince and about 20 friends attended, possibly at an estate
in Norfolk owned by the father of one of the guests. The guests had been sworn to silence.
* It's true what they say:
What happens in Norfolk, stays in Norfolk.
* Finally a chance for these prince guys to relax and party a little.
A British stag party. That's as kinky as it gets.
The Broadway musical "Spider-Man:
Let's Kill All The Actors" endured yet another embarrassment during a performance last Thursday. The actor portraying
the superhero was engaged in an aerial battle with the evil Green Goblin when a camera flash went off, distracting Spidey
so that he missed his landing spot and was left to dangle. He was left airborne for nearly five minutes until they could get
him down. "The aerial system is so sophisticated that if a flying maneuver is off by even a couple of inches, it automatically
shuts down. Safety always comes first," show spokesman Rick Miramontez said.
* ... with a wink.
* Is there
no underhanded trick that nasty Green Goblin won't try?
* Left hanging, just like the investors on the show.
whole idea is just spinning in the wind.
* At this point, the show would be easier with an actual spider.
what you do: In the first five minutes, Spider-Man falls into some chemicals that make him invisible. Problem solved!
SHOPPING AISLES FOR MEN ONLY
Men hate shopping, and they really hate shopping for grooming products because they are all mixed
in with women's products. Proctor & Gamble is currently testing male-only aisles - full of men's grooming products only.
"Men are buyers and not shoppers," said P&G's general manager of male grooming, Thom Lachman. "They want
to get the shopping done." The idea behind this separation is based on the idea that men are freaked out by women's products,
and are therefore less likely to spend time perusing items. And not having to navigate their way through scary and foreign
items, such as pink razors and tampons, must be such a relief to men, they're inspired to explore and discover new, man things.
* There are two reactions to this. You either think it's creepy, or you think it's FAAABULOUS!!!
* How about selling
men's grooming products in sports bars? That could work.
* Could you just mail our stuff to us?
* "Man things",
huh? I've been trying to find mine for years.
GIRL POSTS PARTY INVITE ONLINE; 200,000 RESPOND
An Australian schoolgirl had to cancel her 16th birthday party after her Facebook invitation went
viral and close to 200,000 people said they would turn up at her house. The Sydney girl had posted her address online and
said, "(It's an) open house party as long as it doesn't get out of hand." Within 24 hours more than 20,000 people
had replied to say they were attending and by Tuesday almost 200,000 had accepted the invitation. The girl's father took the
posting off Facebook, cancelled the party, and asked the police to patrol the street to turn away anyone who shows up.
* She didn't cancel until she heard I was coming.
* Just move the party to somewhere with more
room - like Anarctica.
COMMEMORATIVE MUG HAS WRONG
A commemorative mug celebrating the Royal wedding
has a slight flaw - they put the wrong prince on it. The picture next to Kate Middleton is not her future husband, Prince
William, but her future brother-in-law Prince Harry. On the back, the inscription reads: "The fairytale romantic union
of all the centuries. 29th April 2011." The mug was made by a Chinese company called Guandong Enterprises. The company
writes: "You are welcome to purchase now to avoid disappointment and regret."
* The mug has the wrong mug,
as it were.
* See, to the Chinese, all Caucasians look alike.
* Now the real bad news: The mugs are 89% lead.
KIDS: DON'T DO THIS
Boise, Idaho police arrested Alexander Welch Saturday night. His crime: using a cell phone app that flashed
a blue and red light to imitate police lights, and pulling over cars. While investigating reports of a fake policeman, officers
had pulled over and were talking to the 20-year-old Welch when they found an application on his Verizon cell phone that flashed
a blue and red light. At that point, he was arrested and booked into the jail.
* On the way to the jail, he asked if
he could flash the police car lights.
* The cops saw red and now he's blue.
* Is there an app for avoiding a prison
WORLD CLOWN CONVENTION
The World Clown Association is holding their annual convention in New York this
week. The five-day get-together started Monday at the LaGuardia Plaza Hotel. It features face-painting competition and lessons
on balloon sculpture-making.
* Hundreds of clowns are expected to attend, and they all stay in one room.
I thought the political conventions were not until 2010.
* The clowns of the world must meet regularly to keep up to
date 'cause clown comedy changes so radically from year to year.
WANTS HIS LUMBERJACK SLAM AND HE WANTS IT NOW!
week, Frederick Louis Sims, 31, thought the service at a Florida Denny's was taking too long. So he walked outside and fired
at least three pistol shots. Immediately after the 3:27 a.m. gunfire, say reports, he sped away with several friends. When
police stopped the vehicle, they found a .22-cal. Ruger pistol under Sims' seat, along with a marijuana cigarette. The pistol
was ready to fire with one cartridge in the chamber and four more in the magazine. Sims was arrested and charged with discharging
a firearm in public and possession of less than 20 grams of cannabis.
* And not knowing how to pick a good restaurant.
* A gun is not the way to get faster service. A whip is much better.
* Sometimes filling out a comment card isn't necessary.
* Denny's at 3:27 a.m. Wow, does that take me back to my partying days.
* Maybe he'll find the service better at the
cafeteria in prison.
* It's not official restaurant craziness until it's a viral YouTube clip.
NATIONAL SLEEP DEPRIVATION AWARENESS WEEK CONTINUESSZZZZZZ ...
According to a recent survey by Tempur-Pedic, more than half of the 1,000 people surveyed admitted
they'd accidentally fallen asleep in some strange spot.
- 12 percent
admitted to sleeping at their desk or computer at work
- 11 percent
who confessed they'd dozed off in church.
- 22 percent admitted to falling
asleep behind the wheel of their car- sometimes while driving.
- 4 percent
have slept on the bus
- 3 percent have slept in the bathroom
- 2 percent have slept during meetings
2 percent have fallen asleep at the kitchen table
- 12 percent said
they'd accidentally nodded off in "other" places, such as in the midst of military combat, in elevators, in court,
and even in a graveyard.
* What's their point? Are we supposed to carry
around a Tempur-Pedic mattress for when we feel drowsy?
* If you're
falling asleep during military combat that's when you know the war's gone on too long.
* Others couldn't take the survey - they were already napping.
Please stay awake when you're driving. We need the listeners.zzzzzz